How Are You?

Hey, how are you? It’s the universal conversation starter, the social equivalent of a nod or a handshake. We toss it around casually, to friends, acquaintances, and even strangers, without expecting more than a simple response. But have you ever stopped to consider what this question truly means?

 

I remember standing in line at a coffee shop one morning, caffeine-deprived and grumpy after a sleepless night. The barista looked up with a cheerful smile and asked, “How’s your day going?” Instinctively, I replied, “Great, thanks!” even though I felt anything but great. It struck me then how automatic and hollow exchanges between people can be. 

 

These questions imply that the asker is curious about mental state, physical well-being, and recent activities. Yet, most of the time, they’re not intended to provoke a genuine or detailed response. It’s as if we’ve all silently agreed to keep things surface level, to maintain simple social interaction without stirring the depths beneath. 

 

Take job interviews, for example. When  the interviewer begins with, ‘How are you today?” they’re not expecting you to unload about your morning argument with your roommate or the existential dread you’ve been grappling with. You smile politely and say, “I’m doing well, how are you doing?” even if you’re a bundle of nerves inside. It’s a scripted dance where deviating from the expected steps feels taboo.

 

But what if we broke the script? What if we answered these questions sincerely, regardless of who asked them?

 

A few months ago, I decided to test this out. An acquaintance from class greeted me with the usual, “Hey, how have you been?” Instead of saying “I’m doing good, how about you?”. I took a moment and said “Honestly, I’ve been pretty overwhelmed with work this week and feel like I could use a break.” Immediately after I said this I became worried that I overshared and made the conversation awkward. To my surprise, his eyes lit up, and he replied, “I’ve been feeling the same way! I thought I was the only one.” This moment of vulnerability ended up sparking a genuine conversation and creating a new connection with someone. 

 

It’s curious how we often reserve our true feelings, even from those closest to us. I sometimes hesitate to tell my own parents how I’m really doing. I worry about burdening them or disrupting the image of the “put-together” person they expect me to be. But on the occasions when I do open up the relief is palpable. It’s like exhaling after holding my breath for too long. 

 

From my observations, this tendency to mask our true feelings seems rooted in a fear of vulnerability. We worry about being judged or making others uncomfortable. Society encourages us to keep conversations light, to avoid delving into messy emotions that can’t be neatly packaged. 

 

Yet, by perpetuating this cycle, we miss out on opportunities for authentic connections. We become like actors in a play, reciting rehearsed lines while hiding behind our costumes. It’s ironic that in an age where social media encourages us to share every detail of our lives, we still struggle with face-to-face honesty.

 

On a lighter note, imagine if we all started answering “How are you?” with complete honesty– or even a touch of humor. The next time someone asks, I might say, “I’m feeling incredible because my roommate didn’t wake me up by snoring!” This approach reminds me of the way children communicate. They haven’t yet learned to filter their thoughts for social acceptability. If they’re happy, they smile; if they’re upset, they cry. There’s something refreshing about that honesty, a purity we lose as we grow older. 

 

Of course, I’m not advocating for us to share everything with everyone. Boundaries are important, and not every situation calls for deep disclosure. But perhaps with our friends and family, the people who genuinely care, we can strive for more authenticity. After all, they can’t support us if they don’t know we’re in need. 

 

In reflecting on this, I think about a time when my high school best friend, Rahil, and I drifted apart. We exchanged the usual pleasantries almost daily, but never went deeper. It wasn’t until I finally admitted that I was struggling with school that he confessed he was experiencing the same. We realized that by keeping up appearances; we had both felt isolated, even in each other’s company. Our friendship grew stronger once we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable. 

 

Perhaps it’s time to challenge the norm. The next time I ask someone how they’re doing. I’ll be prepared for an honest answer. And when someone asks me, I’m going to consider sharing a piece of my truth. 

 

 In a world that often feels disconnected despite our constant communication, a little authenticity can go a long way. Everyone needs at least a few people with whom they can drop the act and respond sincerely to “How are you?” It’s through these genuine interactions that we find support, understanding, and a sense of belonging.

 

So, I will strive to reclaim the essence of “How are you?” as a true question, not just a formality.