“What’s going on bro, how’s football been?” This is the most asked question I have faced for my whole life. When I reached my goal of committing and playing at a D1 school this question only became more common. The only difference with the question is how I would feel after it was asked. For years the answer was simple. “Footballs been great, the team is looking really good this year. Just trying to be the best we can be.” I would feel like a middle aged man reminiscing on his days playing ball as I’m living them. “You remember that pick I got last week… man we should’ve beat Westlake, we could run it back right now.” A simple question that would make my day realizing that everything in football is going how I want it to. This question would lead to the conversation going on for hours non-stop about football. After I reached my dream this happiness that overtook me wasn’t the same anymore when I was faced with this question. I was still putting in all the effort and hard work I had been doing for years, but when game time arose I was sitting on the couch watching my team play without me. I wasn’t excited to deep dive into my football life and tell people everything that’s been going on this season. The game that felt native to me suddenly felt like trying to learn a foreign language. My answers would be short and not about anything specific trying to talk about anything other than the game and my current position within my team. I would try to evade the question almost by acting like everything was good but in reality it wasn’t what I was presenting to people.
Football has been consistent for me my whole life. Since the first days of me putting on a helmet I was viewed by my peers and coaches as one of the best on the field. This followed me everywhere no matter if it was my first day on a new team or my senior year as a captain. This passion for the game and my obsession fueled me for years. If I can just get through classes and not get in trouble I can go put on a helmet and run into people at practice. My days were fueled and set straight by knowing football is going to be there for me. If I didn’t have anything in the world I would still have my cleats and grass to make me feel fine. My senior year could be viewed as the definition of obsession. Football before school followed by watching film during school to top it off with another football workout after school. The 18 year old me called this life almost even a dream. Fast forward 2 months and it’s 6am on South Main somehow 90 degrees already with humidity mosquitoes couldn’t handle. I’m no longer viewed as the savior for football at the international level. Additionally im by no realistic means the best player on the team in anyone’s head whether it be coaches or players. I was an equipment and uniform model for the team at best. After a childhood loving nothing but a game, I was in my room alone telling myself I hate it. This questioning continued for months, leaking into my personal life and my relationships. “How’s football going” wasn’t a question to me anymore but some rage bait. This shift in my perception for the game made me wonder what was happening with me. How could something that made me so reassured of myself suddenly cause me to question everything I knew. My mom was the most frequent with the question so one time I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I don’t want to talk about that shit.” She then completely shifted the conversation and we just began to talk. Nothing about football, just about life.
“You know your brother busted his ass on his scooter again” my mom quickly clapped back.
The second hand embarrassment for my brothers consistent stupidity made it hard to hold my ruined mood. “So he’s just making this an annual thing at this point.”
As we kept talking I noticed this rain cloud clearing up above me. The conversation was filled with laughs but nothing about football. This euphoria I was experiencing was soon taken away by the fact football practice was coming up only minutes later, but my viewing of my purpose within football was changed.
For years I had put the pressure on myself to make my identity football. I wanted to be known as a football player. I wanted to talk about football because it was a reinforcement of my self worth. What I failed to realize was that without football I was still me. I wasn’t worth any less to the people that care for me. I put the idea into my head that football was what made me who I was. This couldn’t be farther from the truth as football is not what defines me but is literally a children’s game. I could be the best football player but that doesn’t make me a better person. I could be the worst person on the field and those lessons the game has taught me set me up to be the best person I can be away from the game. Following this realization practice did not feel meaningless. I wasn’t here for anyone else but myself. My hard work might fail to make me better than Deion Sanders but the games lessons were teaching me. A coach can yell at me during practice. Life goes on, the sun rises and sets and my coach might still be yelling. Years down the line when my wife is giving me an earful I’ll realize I’ve been here before. Roll with the shots is what I tell myself and it couldn’t be more true. People are going to keep punching but the pain you receive is only in your mind. You decide what that situation makes of you. Many people see their passion as what defines them or gives them happiness. While this may be true, centering your life around this passion takes away from what life is about.