When someone asks me, “What are you up to?” my answer is usually something about completing homework, preparing for interviews, working out, and doing “other work”. But the truth is that the “other work” is not a single task, but a mindset. I always need to be doing something, or at least I need to feel like I am doing something.
I have a perspective on work, where if I’m not working, I feel like I really need to be working. No matter what or how good my break is (hanging out with friends, watching a TV show, or literally doing nothing), I always feel guilty that I should be doing something productive. Of course, I feel good in the moment, but it’s really after the fact that I consider what better I could have used the time for. It’s only when my brain is exhausted that I feel like I have worked enough and can do something else until I go to sleep.
To be honest, this isn’t exactly the worst perspective to have; most days, I feel really productive. I also rarely cram for exams and homework, so I’m not usually that stressed. However, I also procrastinate on things that aren’t school-related or have no specific due dates. I don’t know how I manage to stay on top of/plan things for school pretty well, but then for things outside of it, I often procrastinate until the last minute. Reflecting on this further, the disconnect between productivity in school and procrastination elsewhere demonstrates a pattern in how I perceive progress.
When working towards my goals, I often get caught up in how far the goal is away or how seemingly unattainable it seems. I catch myself sabotaging now and again, not trying something just because it seems unattainable, and not having a plan. My lack of planning has led to this mindset, where my plan is “be busy.” It might be because being “busy” has become a purpose for me for some reason. I have some semblance of what I want my future to look like, and I suppose that being busy and filling my time makes me feel like I will be able to achieve that future. I believe that what I do right now will shape my future, so I should spend my time being productive.
This perspective is affecting other parts of my life, as nearly 99% of my day and thought process is consumed by work. I really need to adjust this perspective to make the most of every moment. I should think about being more productive in a broader sense, not just in relation to work or academics. Adjusting my definition of productivity to encompass anything that has a positive impact would make it so that a lot more outside of what I currently do would be considered productive. I think I have been stuck in this “work productivity” mindset for so long that switching out of it will be hard, but it will push me to apply the same “busy” mindset to other parts of my life. Setting goals for every facet of my life will likely help me achieve that, such as setting aside a specific time to explore my hobbies.
When discussing goals and productivity, the question of why often arises internally. Why are you doing this? I think that unconsciously, I feel that if I achieve my goals, I am guaranteed to be happy. I envision myself working at a job I am interested in, exploring my hobbies, and having the time to spend on myself, which I picture will bring me happiness. I used to think that happiness was on the other side of my current to-do list. But when I got into college, a goal I had for many years, I realized that what I thought was a finish line was just another starting point. Then it hit me:
We are already on the other side of the goals we had, thinking they would make us happy, but we continue to work towards the next goal without even considering that previously “promised” happiness. The goal really should be to find satisfaction while working towards your goals, rather than expecting happiness to be the result of reaching them.
I’m going to learn to define productivity more broadly, not just as professional or academic output, but as anything that brings positivity to my life. Whether it’s spending more time on hobbies, going to the gym, or simply resting without guilt, these moments are part of the future I am working towards.