On first thought, I would undoubtedly say horror movies. Who in their right mind willingly watches people getting chased with an axe or hunted down by clowns? I’ll never be spending a cozy night in casually watching people getting murdered. Rollercoasters are a very close second on my list of fears – why would I find joy in the anxiety of slowly traveling up a wooden, rickety 60-foot drop? The list of my superficial fears goes on, but this doesn’t truly answer the question. When I think about what really scares me, what actually makes my stomach turn, it would have to be losing my individuality and authenticity.
LOOKING BACK…
When I look back on my small, scared, and impressionable high school freshman self, I realize how much growth I’ve made in becoming comfortable in my own shoes. Back then, I was like a chameleon, camouflaging to match people’s personalities and blend in with the crowd. I wasn’t sure who I was or who I wanted to be. Rather than trying to explore my identity and passions, I was dependent on people around me and tried to align with their opinions and behaviors. I didn’t realize how toxic this was and didn’t know that I could be my own person and still fit in.
To an extent though, this all seems pretty normal, right? Think about it: if you were an unsure 14-year-old immersed in a new and intimidating place, the most comfortable thing to do would be to cling to your friends and do all the same things they do. Join a club you’re actually interested in but you’re friends aren’t? Pshh right – that means meeting new people and interacting with upperclassmen – scary. But join a club all your friends are in even though you might not enjoy the club itself? Sign me up. Freshman logic says you’ll come to enjoy anything because your friends are also doing it. The cherry on top; you’ll even feel like you fit in!
THE JOURNEY
I remember joining a “Girls Who Code” club. Have I ever coded? No. Did I join the club purely because my friends wanted to? Yes. According to my logic, I thought I would come to love my new “passion”, but oh was I wrong. Fooling around with my friends was fun in the beginning until the actual work came around. Not only did I have no experience with coding, but I had no interest in even learning how to do it. However, I stuck it out and went against my own interests.
Joining a club or two because of my friends wasn’t too bad. However, there started to be clear differences in who we were as people, which of course, I decided to ignore in the beginning. Although I didn’t know it at the time, integrity and character were very important to me. Did my friends care about integrity and character when there was an assignment due at 11:59 that night that they hadn’t started? No. I would watch them “collaborate” on chemistry lab write-ups and use the internet as a “resource” to write an essay. Even though I would become uncomfortable with witnessing them, I decided to overlook it.
I also tried blending in by neglecting a major aspect of my identity: my culture. Since I went to a PWI with only one other Indian person in my grade, I felt like I had to hide my Indian-American identity. Did I also mention my school was extremely racist? Not the best combination. Even though I was proud of my heritage, I didn’t think people at school would appreciate it. Although my friends were more open, I would be embarrassed to say I couldn’t hang out because I was going to an Indian function. However, at the function, I truly felt at home and I loved wearing my lehenga while eating the spicy, flavorful food. Looking back now I only feel embarrassed and sorry for that girl who felt like she had to suppress who she was.
Obviously, I was experiencing extreme dissonance. At this point there were two subconscious options: Do I suppress my feelings or embrace my identity by becoming my authentic self? I wanted to feel the power of being myself, but I didn’t want to seem “weird” to the people around me. If you’re currently in a similar situation or looking for advice, here are some small steps I took and recommend to embrace your individuality.
- Spend some time alone
No, I don’t mean locking yourself up in your room and mindlessly scrolling through TikTok while eating a whole tray of Oreos. Instead, be aware of who, where, and what you are. Great examples include bullet journaling, exploring a hobby, and meditating. What helped me was going for bike rides during the sunset. The warm breeze, the exhilaration of cycling, and the gorgeous sunset paired with my favorite music were unforgettable and made me feel at peace.
- Do things outside of your comfort zone
You’re not going to change by doing the same things every day. You also have to remember that no one dictates your life except you. When you pair this step with #1, be prepared for big changes. Go to the beach for the sunrise even though you just got your license. Go to the movies by yourself. Once you’ve had enough time for introspection and personal growth, the next step is to focus on your interactions with others.
- Change the people around you
If they’re actually your friends, they won’t judge you for being you. Build authentic connections and you’ll enjoy being around your friends. At my school, it was harder to follow this step, but I met people from other schools and my ethnic community who made me feel seen.
THE TAKEAWAY
As you enter new eras of your life, whether it’s starting college or moving to a new place, you have to remember who you are. My greatest fear is losing my identity because I’ve worked so hard to find it, but now I finally know who I am. I’ve learned that nurturing your individuality is powerful and there’s great strength in standing out from the crowd. Embrace your flaws and uniqueness, and let your individuality shine even in the darkest places.